This is a war we live

the end

2005-05-24T03:24:19Z

I've figured some things out, and this will be my last online journal entry ever. I no longer need it as a moping tool.

I am depressed. I didn't want to believe it for the longest time - I thought that admitting it meant admitting defeat, or that it would swallow me while.
But, by admitting it is true, I am not:::
-using it as an excuse
-wallowing in it
-giving up
-showing defeat

I am, saying that it is real, and it does exist in me.

Maybe there is no cure. That is a large possibility. People that say they've been cured might just have woken up one day and said "okay.. This is it. I'm not going to live like this anymore." and just ignored all the feelings from then on. But at any rate, I don't believe that there is a cure to depression. I am not hopeless, and I am not giving up (that's not to say that I don't want to give up, it just means that I'm not going to decide when it's over). I am going to keep living each day for God, and (trying to) do all He asks of me. Maybe he's using my illness for a greater purpose. I'm not going to lie. Living is extremely hard when I don't really want to do it. My wish is not for a cure, not for happiness; but for the ability to cope with it, and to stay content with where I am. I hope this is the right mindset. My hope is that You will use me for Your purposes, and not for mine. I want nothing to do with false promises of "It will get better", or ""This will be over soon". Maybe it will get much, much worse. or maybe I'll live forever. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. It might not ever benefit me, but there is still a reason for it.

Medication might not work; counselling could be a waste, needles in the brain may make it worse. So.. All we can do is look forward to the end, and keep serving God until he takes us there.
Yeah. It is realy hard. I am struggling. I would much rather be with Him right now than being here. But I will keep striving for His best in my life, and I will continue on in hope of eternity with Him; whenever that may come. Five is an okay place to be.

2 Timothy 4:5-8
5 But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry.
6 For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.
7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:
8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

Playlist:::
1. As I Lay Dying:Refined By Your Embrace
2. Hopesfall:Comfort
3. Underoath:Letting Go of Tonight
4. Hopesfall:The Broken Heart of a Traitor
5. As I Lay Dying:Torn Within
6. Underoath:A Love So Pure
7. As I Lay Dying:Behind Me Lies Anotehr Fallen Soldier
8. Life In Your Way:Behind Unseen Walls

it is finished.

justaspeck @ 2005-05-06T00:42:00

2005-05-06T04:44:10Z

delete me

justaspeck @ 2005-05-01T17:55:00

2005-05-01T21:57:21Z

P.S. I am a lifeguard.

justaspeck @ 2005-04-25T23:23:00

2005-04-26T03:34:41Z

this isn't happening.

justaspeck @ 2005-04-23T17:32:00

2005-04-23T21:33:45Z

elizabeth ((it's for the best)) says:
to be completely honest...
:: krista [letting go so i can learn how to fly] says:
either i'm not like all the rest, or you want to stay home and watch movies

i love mind readers.

justaspeck @ 2005-04-22T16:22:00

2005-04-22T20:27:39Z

so. not only do i get to pay $75 for a CPR course i already haev, and that is included in the course i'm taking now. I also have a 7-hour swimming day (after school that is), a 10 hour day, and those are followed by a 12 hour day (including 3 exams). THEN, I'm half done my courses for swimming.
awesome. ( I am a little bitter because they just added 10 hours onto what i already thought was a lot)

pssst

2005-04-13T03:14:55Z

congrats michelle for getting on the CBK video.. you rock hard!

a waste of space

2005-04-04T20:44:05Z

Bold movies you've seen ALL of. italicize ones you've seen parts of. Underline ones that you OWN.

01. Trainspotting
02. Shrek
03. M
04. Dogma
05. Strictly Ballroom
06. The Princess Bride
07. Love Actually
08. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings E.E.
09. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers E.E.
10. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the KingE.E.
11. Reservoir Dogs
12. Desperado
13. Swordfish
14. Kill Bill Vol. 1
15. Donnie Darko
16. Spirited Away
17. Better Than Sex
18. Sleepy Hollow
19. Pirates of the Caribbean
20. The Eye
21. Requiem for a Dream
22. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
23. The Pillow Book
24. The Italian Job (1969)
25. Goonies
26. BASEketball
27. Spice World
28. Army of Darkness
29. The Color Purple
30. The Safety of Objects
31. Can't Hardly Wait
32. Mystic Pizza
33. Finding Nemo
34. Monsters, Inc.
35. Circle of Friends
36. Mary Poppins
37. The Bourne Identity
38. Forrest Gump
39. A Clockwork Orange
40. Kindergarten Cop
41. On The Line
42. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
43. Final Destination
44. Sorority Boys
45. Urban Legend
46. Cheaper by the Dozen
47. Fierce Creatures
48. Dude, Where's My Car?
49. Ladyhawke
50. Ghostbusters
51. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
52. Back to the Future
53. An Affair To Remember
54. Somewhere In Time
55. North By Northwest
56. Moulin Rouge
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
58. The Wizard of Oz
59. Zoolander
60. A Walk to Remember
61. Chicago
62. Vanilla Sky
63. The Sweetest Thing
64. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead
65. The Nightmare Before Christmas
66. Chasing Amy
67. Edward Scissorhands
68. Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert
69. Muriel's Wedding
70. Croupier
71. Blade Runner
72. Cruel Intentions
73. Ocean's Eleven (2001)
74. Magnolia
75. Fight Club
76. Beauty and the Beast
77. Much Ado About Nothing
78. Dirty Dancing
79. Gladiator
80. Ever After
81. Braveheart
82. What Lies Beneath
83. Regarding Henry
84. The Dark Crystal
85. Star Wars: A New Hope
86. The Birds
87. Beaches
88. Cujo
89. Maid In Manhattan
90. Labyrinth
91. Thoroughly Modern Millie
92. His Girl Friday
93. Being John Malkovich
94. Run Lola Run
95. The Color of Paradise
96. While You Were Sleeping
97. Signs
98. The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
99. Face/Off
100. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
101. Pulp Fiction
102. Clueless
103. Empire Records
104. Scooby Doo
105. Once Upon a Time In Mexico
106. The Shawshank Redemption
107. Bruce Almighty
108. Sense and Sensibility
109. Bend It Like Beckham
110. Galaxy Quest
111. Lion King
112. The Green Mile
113. Fried Green Tomatoes
114. A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)
115. Sweet November
116. The Haunted Mansion
117. Brother
118. Dead Poets Society
119. Schindler's List
120. Dungeons & Dragons
121. Clerks
122. Snatch
123. Top Gun
124. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
125. Speed
126. Thirteen
127. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
128. The Ring
129. The Matrix
130. Miracle
131. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
132. Runaway Jury
133. Twister
134. Armageddon
135. Brigdet Jones's Diary
136. Meet the Parents
137. Breakfast at Tiffany's
138. My First Mister
139. Orgazmo
140. Troy
141. Fame
142. City of God
143. Garden State
144. Billy Madison
145. Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
146. Happy Gilmore
147. 28 Days
148. That Thing You Do
149. Boondock Saints
150. Billy Elliott
151. American History X
152. Four Weddings and a Funeral
153. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
154. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
155. Lost in Translation
156. Day After Tomorrow
157. Old School
158. Anchor Man: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
159. Office Space
160. Antwone Fisher
161. Napoleon Dynamite
162. Angela's Ashes
163. Y Tu Mama Tambien
164. The Craft
165. Battle Royale
166. The Big Lebowski
167. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
168. 28 Days Later
169. High Fidelity
170. Seven
171. subUrbia
172. Rock and Roll High School
173. Rock and Roll High School Forever
174. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
175. frida
176. how to deal
177. closer
178. newsies
179. waking life
180. a roman holiday
181. New York Minute
182. Good Burger
183. Girl, Interrupted

justaspeck @ 2005-01-01T15:57:00

2005-01-02T20:57:13Z

Bands // Song Titles
Created by BourdiezFreak and taken 17995 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	From Autumn To Ashes
Are you female or male:	Take Her To THe Music Store
Describe yourself:	Alive Out Of Habit
How do some people feel about you:	Cherry Kiss
How do you feel about yourself:	Mercury Rising
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	Autumn's Monologue
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	(if i had one) ?
Describe where you want to be:	Chloroform Perfume
Describe what you want to be:	Reflections
Describe how you live:	I'm The Best At Ruining my Life
Describe how you love:	The Fiction We Live
Share a few words of wisdom:	Eulogy For An Angel
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

this doesn't count as an entry. it's a game.

2004-12-21T19:43:58Z

1. Shuffle your playlist.
2. Of the first 25 songs that come up, no matter how embarassing, put your favourite lyric on your LJ. Try not to include the title.
3. Open season to your f-list to see who can guess the most songs.
4. Strike the songs off as they are guessed correctly.

1. Used again, but nothing's different, she'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care.

2. My calendar is full with blood-red x's for every 24 hours I've suffered through.

3. They say so many things, they tell me I am fine. Believe me I try.

4. So he took his life at the age of 23. And she had always loved him, but she would never know.

5. ~~I think it's going to rain, it's going to rain, rain down.~~Thursday - Paris in Flames (valenski)

6. you'll pay for everything you've done if you could die i'd be the one with the gun

7. and i pray for you to find the peace you've been longing for.

8. ~~I've never been so lost, i've never been so much at home.~~Something Coroprate "I woke up in a car" (Valenski)

9. i'll be sleepless. so cry yourseld to sleep, this is about broken hearts. this is about me. bending again for nothing. i'd run to you but pain awaits. i'm coming home but i'll be late.

10. We're so vain, aren't we? we're so proud and empty.

11. cause you can't put life back into this hopsital ward.

12. ~~I'm willing to break myself, to shake this hell from everything I touch.~~ Something Coroprate: "break myself" (valenski)

13. ~~Running away from this earth. May it pass away in the beautiful flames that it was created for.~~ Norma Jean; The entire world is counting on me and they don't even know it. sleepersawake

14. I woke up yesterday with a hole in my chest, yet I feel no pain.

15. a failure that mirrors itself with a foriegn stare. hold it together, you'll find your peace.

16. By the time we hit the ocean floor, we'll jump little girl, jump little girl down to find the undersea sun.

17. I'm sorry, but I'm gone. I've got a bad reputation to think about. I've been dirty, I've been wrong.

18. Five stories falling, forever and ever, three cheers to the mirror, now there are 2 of us. can we have one last dance?

19. walking like eachother's ghosts around these silent streets, the sedatives tell you everything is alright.

20. This is just the inbetween, the point where worries can shatter dreams. This is the look like i'm going to throw it all away.

21. Only the lonesome love us. only the careless can handle us.

22. Take what I have, these broken remains... you laid down your life when i refused to give mine.

23. I've bled these nights dry with tears.

24. my heart fails, time and time again.

25. I don't want to smile right now, thank you for your concern,

hahaha it took me like 4 years to fill this all out. NOW you ALL BETTER FILL OUT THESE THINGS. i made it so that EVERYONE and not just friends can see it.

justaspeck @ 2004-12-15T23:13:00

2004-12-16T04:14:47Z

its breaktime again.
I can update 2 times over Christmas break. and that's ALLL
okay
Have a good one everyone!

justaspeck @ 2004-12-08T21:04:00

2004-12-09T02:05:05Z


dear whoever is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

the changing of times

2004-12-07T07:32:11Z

another year has gone by
time just took it away
friends have changed
clear skies watched over us
but we've had our share of rain

anyways, the old underoath is waaaaaaay better.
Umm... right.. promoting.
Everyone join xunderoath777 because it's an underOath Community and its good.
:)

To the chains that bound me, I won't look back.

2004-11-28T23:11:13Z

Okay, This is not a direct attack on anyone. THis is not an indirect attack on anyone. I'm speaking to myself as much as anyone else here.

Right now I feel like being blunt, so I have no use for 'cabalistic' styles.
I'd rather not wonder if I should get stitches every night.
I'd rather eat lunch.
I'd rather smile than frown.
I'd rather laugh than bleed.
I'd rather love than hate.
I'd rather find strengths than weaknesses
I'd rather be happy than sad.
I'd rather beat winter depression than not.
I'd rather be myself.

It's a choice, everything is a choice. I can choose to do all the things I should. Sometimes it's hard when everyone seems to be doing completely the opposite of that, when more of my friends are ~~anorexic~~ 'dieting' than not; when most of the people that helped me out of cutting are now walking wounds. Maybe I'm going to have to be alone to be happy. But then can I really be happy if I am alone? Now I'm pertty confused.
So I've decided to start a happy colony. If anyone would like to join, please feel free :)

Okay, Usually I'm really worried about upsetting people. But I've let this go on for too long.
This applies to myself as much as anyone else.
STOP LIVING BY THE WORLD'S STANDARDS!!!

If your friends are watching a movie that you know you shouldn't watch, bake cookies! don't watch it!

If people are talking about someone behind their back, DON'T JOIN IN! say something good about that person!

If you're tempetd to go past first base, DON'T. DON'T EVEN LET YOURSELF GET INTO A POSITION WHERE YOU COULD

If someone wants you to go get tight with them, STAY HOME. Clean your room, hang out with your parents, do something you've been putting off forever.

I'm so sick of everyone compromising everything just because 'everyone else does'. well, you know what? THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!!
Sometimes I wonder if anyone really TRIES to live up to God's standards, or even their own.
Well, I don't care anymore. I'm going to try to live to God's standards, and I'll do it alone if I must.
I stand alone?
THat's okay.

it's time.

2004-11-05T21:34:00Z

okay.
i need a break from live journal.
2 weeks at the least.
see you then.

justaspeck @ 2004-09-27T17:19:00

2004-09-28T00:27:21Z

okay.
I'm done moping.
every time i write a mopy entry, some one has to shoot me. or ground me. or SOMETHING.
thank you very much.
<333

i've bled these nights dry with tears

2004-09-24T01:53:04Z

I have issues with...

law
ambivalence
identity
persecution
health

Take Word Association Test

"silence, silence was the last word we spoke
it filled the air heavy with forevers
and the failing smells of yesterday
'this wasn't my intention...' is now a haunting
the ghost of whispering thoughts
i've bled these nights dry with tears
so here's to sleepless cold and dreams of insecurity
and like before i'm left with silence and the sound of a heart breaking
its pieces crumble to the floor
promise falls quiet between stillness and silence
i hear your voice say, 'my child, i will pick up the pieces'
promise falls quiet between stillness and silence"

i'd burn this city down..

2004-06-22T19:37:13Z

replied by holding you up
in red skies bound by love
let’s set this city ablaze
we’ll learn how to start a fire
shine so bright we burn in eyes

interesting...

2004-06-14T02:47:27Z

this is very interesting.

ehhh... creepy.

justaspeck @ 2004-04-25T23:03:00

2004-04-26T03:04:44Z

well this is my new livejournal.
I decided to become a conformist, because Ujournal is getting pretty lonely.
That's all I have to say for now.
oh and it will be friends only, because I am just that personal.